The Dance of Communication: The Soft Start-up

In the intricate dance of relationship, communication often serves as the melody that influences the steps taken by both partners. In this intricate exchange, both partners want the other person to respond to them in a way that makes them feel seen and considered.

But sometimes, without realizing it, we throw off the rhythm, leaving both us and our partner feeling out of sync and frustrated. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. Just like in dancing, we need to be aware of how our movements influence our partner’s movements. Every step we take, the rhythm we set, and the energy we bring all shape the flow of the dance.

In conversations, this looks like being intentional about how we bring things up—the tone we set, the emotions we convey, and the connection we’re trying to build. One way to do this is by using what Dr. John Gottman calls a "softened start-up."

Steps to The Soft Start-up

1. Be gentle and polite

The first step in a soft start-up is to be gentle. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that the way a conversation starts, especially the first three minutes, has a huge impact on where it goes—about 94% of the time, it sets the tone for the entire discussion.

When asking for something or sharing a need, approaching the conversation with kindness and respect makes a big difference. People are much more likely to listen when they feel valued and respected.

A very simple way to do this is to use this pattern: "I feel ______ about ______ (describe the situation, not your partner). I need or want ______ (state a positive and actionable need or want).

Harsh Start-Up: "I'm always doing the house work because you don't help! I'm the one stuck cleaning up after you, and I'm sick of it!"

Soft Start-Up: "Hey, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed (feeling) with keeping up with the housework (situation). It would really mean a lot to me if we could come up with a plan to share the chores more evenly (positive, actionable want). Would you be open to that?"

Using a soft start-up helps you share your feelings and needs without sounding blaming or critical. This makes it easier to have a productive conversation instead of it turning into an argument.

2. Use "I" statements.

"I" statements help keep the focus on your own feelings, thoughts, and needs, rather than placing blame or criticizing the other person. Criticism and blame tend to put the other person on the defensive, making them stop listening and start preparing their counterattack.

A lot of the couples I work with have heard the advice to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements, but actually putting it into practice can be tricky. In the beginning, many accidentally turn "I" statements into subtle "you" statements without realizing it.

For example, saying, "I felt hurt because all you think about is yourself and what you want," might sound like an "I" statement, but it’s really just a disguised "you" statement.

A true "I" statement would be something like, "I felt hurt because it didn’t seem like my feelings were being considered. I would really appreciate knowing that I’m important." Making this shift takes practice, but it can completely change the way conversations unfold.

3. Clearly state a positive need

Expressing a positive need means shifting from complaining about what’s wrong to clearly stating what you want instead. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong or frustrating, try framing your request around your hopes, preferences, or the positive changes you’d love to see. This helps create a more collaborative, solution-focused conversation rather than one that just dwells on the problem.

For example, instead of saying, "I hate that we’re always late. Why can't we just be on time for something?" you could say, "I feel embarrassed when we're late. I would really like it if we could work together to be on time for our appointments." This small shift makes a big difference in how the message is received!

Your Relationship Prescription

Communication, like dancing, gets better with practice and paying attention to each other. It involves a delicate balance of giving and receiving, responding to cues, and adapting to the ever-changing dynamics of the conversation. Approach conversations with gentleness, choose your words thoughtfully, and express positive needs. By using the soft start-up, you can foster connections that are as graceful and resonant as a well-choreographed dance.