"Yes, I did."
"No, you didn't."
"I remember it clearly!"
"But that's not how it happened!"
Does this sound familiar? I see it a lot during marriage counseling. Couples take sides in a memory tug-of-war where, ultimately, no one wins.
Some of the most intense arguments I've witnessed between couples revolve around memory differences - what was said or done, or not said or done - in the past. The problem is that our recollections aren't always as reliable as we believe.
The Flaws of memory
1. The Role of Personal Interpretation
We rarely capture conversations exactly as they occur. Instead, our brains filter what we hear through personal beliefs, emotions, and expectations. When we recall a conversation later, we often remember our interpretation rather than the speaker’s exact words. This means that what we believe was said might not match what was actually communicated.
2. The Impact of Unclear Communication
Sometimes the person sending the message isn't being as clear or detailed as they think they are. Instead of reflecting to check their interpretation, the listener thinks they understand the message perfectly and responds. This is where we get the comment, "But that's not what I meant," because their intended message was lost in translation. When the conversation is later recalled, the speaker remembers what they meant to say instead of what they actually said and the listener remembers their interpretation of what was said.
Stop the Memory Wars
Memory tug-of-war isn't very effective. So what can be done about it?
Practice Humility: Take a big breath and be humble. Acknowledge that your memory isn't perfect and that there is a chance, even if it's a slight one, that your memory may be distorted by emotions, assumptions, or biases. This is a big step towards reducing conflict.
Agree to Disagree: If you disagree with your partner about a past event, agree to disagree. It's pointless to argue over something that neither partner can prove. Plus, it's not worth damaging your relationship just to be right. Shifting the focus from proving who’s correct to understanding each other’s perspectives helps maintain a healthy relationship.
Focus on the Present: Instead of dwelling on past miscommunications, redirect the conversation to current feelings and needs. By concentrating on the here and now, couples can find common ground and foster more positive interactions.
Ultimately, letting go of the need to win every memory battle can lead to a more compassionate and resilient relationship.