The Techniques of Heartfelt Listening

Being a skilled heartfelt listener is much like being a skilled musician. A proficient musician must master the technical elements of music, such as finger placement, key signatures, tempo, and note reading. Reaching this level of skill takes dedication and extensive practice—lots and lots of practice.  In the same way, getting really good at heartfelt listening means learning and regularly practicing certain techniques to truly master it.

The Techniques of Listening

1. Prepare

To really listen with your heart, you need to set up the right environment—turn off the TV, silence your phone, and get rid of any other distractions that might get in the way. Even though people often think they can multitask, research in neuropsychology shows it’s not possible. What actually happens is the brain switches back and forth between tasks, causing you to miss important details and information.

Imagine going to a concert to watch an amazing cellist, only to find they're performing while watching their favorite sitcom in the background. You’d probably feel like they’re not really into the performance and would rather be somewhere else, right? Well, if you're multitasking while someone’s talking to you, you’re not fully paying attention to them and sending the message that their thoughts aren’t really a priority.

2. Attune

Being attuned means being fully present, both mentally and emotionally, and really focusing on understanding where the other person is coming from. This requires shifting your attention away from your own thoughts and priorities and putting it on the other person.

If you start critically evaluating what you're hearing or planning a response, then you’ve stopped listening. The goal is to truly get where the speaker is coming from, even if you don’t agree with them. You can show you’re tuned in by using body language, like making eye contact or nodding, or with simple verbal cues like, "Uh-huh."

3. Reflect

Reflecting is one of the most important listening techniques. Often, people respond based on how they think they understood something, without checking if they got it right. This can cause confusion and hurt feelings. By reflecting, the listener can double-check their understanding of what was said, and it gives the speaker the chance to clarify things if needed.

Reflecting, when done correctly, is much more than parroting back the speaker’s words. It's about confirming that you’ve understood the message the way the speaker intended, including any feelings or emotions they might be expressing.

Reflecting also involves paying attention to things like body language or tone of voice, which can provide important context beyond just the words being spoken. This helps ensure there’s no misunderstanding and shows the speaker you’re truly engaged.

An example of reflecting looks like:

Partner 1: "I’m really stressed out at work. I have so much to do, and I feel like I’m always behind."

Partner 2 (reflecting): “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed and frustrated because you have so much on your plate. But it also sounds like you may be feeling a little hopeless, like you'll never catch up with everything. Am I understanding you?"

When reflecting, try not to be judgmental, critical, or defensive. Avoid turning the conversation back to yourself or jumping straight into trying to fix the problem. It's important to first make sure you fully understand what the other person is saying before trying to come up with a solution.

Reflecting can look like:

• What I hear you saying is...

• It sounds like...

• It seems like you feel...

• I'm hearing that...

4. Question

The goal of heartfelt listening is to really understand where the speaker is coming from. One way to do that is by asking open-ended questions, which shows you’re interested and helps you get a better sense of what they’re trying to say.

Examples of open-ended question are:

• How do you feel when....?

• Why is this important to you?

• What are your hopes for this situation?

• What is your fear about this?

• What do you need in this situation?

• What do I need to know to understand your perspective?

5. Validate

Validating the speaker is a great way to show empathy. Empathy means understanding and connecting with someone else’s feelings, thoughts, and perspective. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, though—you can still relate to what they’re going through without agreeing.

Remember, don’t try to fix the problem or make it about your own experiences or opinions. When the roles switch, you'll have your chance to express your thoughts and feelings. Validating statements can include messages such as:

• I can understand why you feel that way.

• I can see how important this is to you.

• I can tell this situation really hurt you.

• I would be upset too if that happened to me.

Your Relationship Prescription

Like a musician refining their craft, becoming a heartfelt listener takes ongoing effort, patience, and intention. The next time someone shares something important with you, pause and ask yourself: Am I fully present? Am I attuned to their emotions? Have I reflected back to confirm I understand? 

Take a deep breath, set distractions aside, and really focus on the person in front of you. Use validating words, ask thoughtful questions, and let them know they’re heard. The more you practice, the more natural it will feel—until heartfelt listening isn’t just something you do, but part of who you are.

To learn about listening as an art form, check out The Art of Listening.