The Art of Heartfelt Listening

Being a good listener is both a technique and an art form. In The Techniques of Listening, I discussed some ways to engage in heartfelt listing, like getting rid of distractions, reflecting on what you've heard, asking questions to dive deeper, and validating the speaker’s experience. If you’ve already got those techniques down, let’s dive into the more intuitive side of being a heartfelt listener.

Being a truly attentive and compassionate listener is a lot like being a talented musician. A talented musician not only perfectly executes the technical parts of the music but also infuses their performance with an emotional depth that isn’t written on the sheet music. They really try to understand the meaning and feelings behind the music and share that with the audience. This is what turns a performance into more than just playing the notes—it becomes an emotional experience that helps the listener connect with the performer.

In the same way, heartfelt listening is about more than just hearing the words being said. It’s about trying to understand the deeper meaning and emotions behind the message and showing the speaker that you get it.

Listen For The Heart Message

Mastering the art of listening means picking up on the "metamessage"—what I like to call the heart message. This is about understanding the unspoken emotions and deeper meanings behind what’s being said. To really listen, pay attention to the speaker’s tone and the feelings they’re expressing, not just the words. Also, notice symbolic language like similes and metaphors. In short, I call it listening to a person’s heart.

When you reflect back what someone’s saying, try to also show that you understand the deeper meaning behind their words—the metamessage. It’s not just about repeating what they said, but also showing that you get the emotions and feelings behind it.

Let’s say your partner says, “I feel like I’m carrying a mountain on my shoulders.” If you're just listening to the literal words, you might think they’re just saying they’re tired or stressed. But by listening to the heart message, you understand that they’re probably feeling overwhelmed, like the weight of their responsibilities is too much to bear. You’d pick up on their tone of voice and maybe even the emotion behind the words, like frustration or sadness. In this case, it’s not just about hearing “mountain” but understanding the emotional weight that comes with it. That’s listening to their heart.

Your reflection may look like, "It seems like you're feeling really overwhelmed and maybe even a little sad, like everything you're dealing with is more than you can handle by yourself. Is that right?"

By reflecting like this, you show the speaker that you really get where they’re coming from, which makes them feel heard and encourages them to open up more. It also gives them a chance to clarify anything if they feel like you didn’t fully understand their point.

Be OK With Emotions

Heartfelt listening also means being able to listen to strong emotions like anger, sadness, or fear without taking them personally. When we hear emotions that make us uncomfortable, we often try to fix them or make them go away. But doing that can make the other person feel like their emotions are being brushed off or ignored.

Don’t shy away from strong emotions, even if they’re directed at you. Instead of trying to change how the speaker feels, focus on understanding what’s behind those emotions and what they mean to them. Asking open-ended questions is a great way to get a better understanding.

Here are some examples of questions to help the listener explore strong emotions and situations:

• Can you tell me more about how you're feeling right now?

• What triggered these emotions for you?

• Have you felt this way about anything in the past?

• How would you describe the intensity of these emotions on a scale of 1 to 10?

• What does this emotion mean to you in this situation?

• What is this emotion telling you?

• What can I do to help you deal with these emotions?

Your Relationship Prescription

Heartfelt listening is an active skill that requires effort, patience, and presence, but the rewards are huge. Start by tuning in to the deeper message—the heart message—by paying attention not just to the words being said, but also to the emotions, tone, and even the metaphors used. Reflect back what you hear, including the feelings behind the words, to show you truly understand.

When emotions like anger or sadness come up, don't shy away from them. Rather than trying to fix or change those feelings, focus on understanding where they're coming from and what they really mean for the person speaking. By embracing these listening practices, you’ll create deeper connections, promote open dialogue, and build stronger, more supportive relationships. So, listen not just with your ears, but with your heart.